October 15, 2006
Jump back
So I took Tara to her best buddy Natalia's 4th birthday party today at a place called Jump City. Imagine that, nearly 20 kids ages 3-5 in a room filled with those air-filled moonwalk-type things. Kids jumping and squealing and climbing and sliding. They had a blast! (I had a Tylenol). While I was standing there watching the kids, a mom holding a baby slid over next to me. "You're Tara's mom, right?" Yeah, I said. She said, "I knew as soon as I saw you because she looks like you."
Now, I decided some time ago that Tara is my daughter and there's no need to tell people I barely know that she is adopted from Ukraine. Obviously, I'm not trying to hide anything, but I also don't need to blurt it out at every opportunity. What's the point? So I smile and say, Oh really? She goes on: "Yes, her face, her hair. She speaks so well and I thought maybe she was 4 but she is kind of small so I wasn't sure." Oh, she's 3 1/2, I say, beaming. She presses on: "Well, she'll probably be a lot taller because you're so tall."
Now, I'm starting to feel like a liar. This woman totally assumes that Tara will inherit my height. And some of the moms already know about Tara's past. So, I tell her the Ukraine story, the very brief version. She is fascinated and tells me about some people she knows who might adopt. Why did I choose Ukraine? How long did it take? Was it a difficult process? I'm feeling like an ambassador for Ukraine adoption. That's a good thing, right?
Now I'm wondering if I will find myself in this situation a lot, since little Tara resembles our family. I guess I should read more about how other families handle this. There's nothing wrong with being adopted, but as they get older, kids don't usually like to stand out as being different. What's a proud mom to do?
Posted by Laura at October 15, 2006 06:27 PMPosted to Tara's Story
Come on now, sheesh, my kid looks like my clone but why is she really Mini-Me? Because she acts like me, we cough alike, we laugh alike and share many, many mannerisms. She swears like me, too, unfortuneately, but I digress.
You and Tara are mother and daughter so you also share habits, mannerisms and voice inflections and you will seem alike. She's inheriting that stuff from you, so she is inheriting. If people say she looks like you, it will be because she also acts like you. As she grows up, she will probably share many of the same philosophies as you, and you will share hers, because you will have an undeniable mother-daughter mutual admiration society going on! Wait til some day when Tara becomes a mom, and watch her with her own daughter....you'll see yourself for sure! You can inherit more than just genes.
Interesting dilemma -- because we're adopting from China, we have been hearing a lot about what it's like to be a "conspicuous family." Rachel's impending adoption is something we are celebrating right now, and I think that, especially at first, I'll love to tell people the story of how she joined our family. But HOW she became our child will be only a small part of her life story; I suspect that as the years pass there will be days I will resent having that be the focus of strangers' comments and questions. She will be my daughter, and I will love her and be proud of her, and it won't matter to me how that came to be.
It sounds like you handled this one just right. And you are a WONDERFUL ambassador!
P.S. -- I fixed the link :-)
Posted by: Susan at October 15, 2006 11:27 PMYes, I see your dilemma. The more I know you tho, the more I know what a private person you are. Do you really need to reveal this to everyone? It's like me telling people Ben had a kidney transplant. A joyous event, yes, but one with tons of freight and detail that must be shared...if I open that Pandora's box. I would go by this criteria (as a fellow Migraineur myself): Would telling the story be fun in this particular case? Or would it make your head hurt?
If your head starts throbbing just thinking about it, then just nod and smile, yes, she does bear a startling resemblance to me and my beauty. Yes, she will grow up to have my mile long gazelle legs and no doubt break many hearts with her killer smile as I myself did in my salad days...thank you for noticing! And smile to yourself and leave it at that.
Sally
Posted by: sally at October 16, 2006 09:01 AMTwo of my adopted children have features like my husband and I and one of our adopted children is a bit more ethnic. So we get - where is he adopted from? And I will say which one? The dark haired one and I will say oh they are all adopted from Ukraine and then they just look at us in awe.
Posted by: adoptedthree at October 17, 2006 09:02 AM